Quarantines, Earthquakes, and Tantrums (Mine not Gemma's) OH MY!

I have made a promise to myself to only read the news on Monday and Saturday...I am an avid reader of various news sources and have always enjoyed world politics. Well NOT RIGHT NOW! Talk about a panic inducing, cringe worthy, cry your eyes out, need your inhaler type of activity! For my mental health I have to put a pause on this activity. My Poor Nerves can't take it anymore (please read in your most whiny impression of Mrs. Bennett). OK my nerves and my hypochondria. Aren't I fun?!

So lets talk Quarantine! What cha doin? I am eating. I am stress baking. I am reading and podcast listening, and practicing, and missing our routine oh so much. You know when the power goes out and suddenly you can't function? Doesn't matter if its the middle of the day, everything just stops? That is how this quarantine has felt to me. I can't work out, we can't work, or make a schedule or function...we just have to sit and watch movies and eat Little Debbie cosmic brownies. In my head I think of all the things I could be doing and working on. How productive I could be. However when you have a four year old who is use to all day pre-school and dance and friends and the climbing gym, and a seven month year old who must be touching you at all times you really can't. Things like reading a book in the hammock, working on the next great American Novel, reorganizing your entire kitchen, panicking over every cough and sore throat, or working on your summer body just don't have space in the day when the tiny humans claim all your time and energy. By the way summer 2020..it's not happening. You will take and love whatever body I give you and you better not give me any grief when I have to find a bathing suit! I am not going to give up stress eating. Not gonna happen. 

My little sister is spending her quarantine at my parents house. She makes good choices. She is served tea by my mother, diet beverages by my father, and spends her day working on her photography, writing letters, journaling, taking walks alone, and watching movies that do not have animated singing characters in them. The rest of the sisters who are all trying to come up with activities to do with the kids and making 8000 meals and snacks a day call each other after we talk to Delaney for moral support. Boy do I need those calls! Thank you for FACETIME and MARCO POLO!

What activities are you doing with your littles? Our cute little neighbor made gemma a card and put it in our mailbox...ever since then Gemma wakes up in the morning and wants to make cards for her friends, her babysitter (I miss you A...I miss you so much), her cousins, my friends, the mailman.....we are now out of paper and art supplies. Send help. This activity eats up a lot of time and is definitely one of our favorites. Her Angel pre-school teacher made daily packets for her to do. There are handwriting sheets, math pages, counting pages letter worksheets and an art project. Like I said...ANGEL! Pre-school teachers go straight to heaven...she genuinely love Gemma and loves teaching the tiny humans. She finds joy in it. I love people who find their passion and calling and just excel at it. Gemma has been so lucky to have two angel teachers. She asks to see her teacher everyday and requests we send her videos everyday. 

GG is my very busy girlie. She is very into pirates right now and makes treasure maps. Yesterday she asked if Pirates live in this world. Thinking of my dear Tom Hanks in Captain Phillips I said yes. She then told me "ok great mom we need to take these treasure maps to the pirates so they can find their treasure!" She asks me a million questions about pirates everyday and I'm gonna be real honest...my pirate knowledge starts with Johnny Depp and ends with a Simulated Somali Pirate Attack during a MUN conference in New York. On a scale of 1-10 how scared would she be of the movie Pirates of the Caribbean?  I am happy to commit to any phase she is interested in that isn't princess related. So Ahoy from the Campbell Clan! The rum is definitely gone.

A few weeks ago Utah had a series of earthquakes. The first big one was around 7:30 in the morning. I thought Joe was shaking me awake...which wouldn't be too unusual as he has been having nightmares about our ghost magdala every night. Nope! Not my scared sound asleep husband but a freaking earthquake. Our whole house shook. The rest of the day we felt aftershocks. I panic packed the car with food water clothes blankets a violin and a dog or two half of the toys we own, and filled up all the bathtubs with water (is that a thing?).  It was super fun sheepishly unpacking it all three days later when I had calmed the crap down! I think the world needs to pick one thing: COVID or natural disasters. I just want to yell into the heavens: OK WE GET IT! STOP POLLUTING THE EARTH LOVE ONE ANOTHER SAY YOUR PRAYERS DO THE RIGHT THING! I HEAR YOU! MAKE IT STOP! As if the Utah people weren't panic shopping already. Now it is impossible to find eggs, formula, toilet paper, or brownie mix.

We are heading into week three of Lock down and I think I am making great strides in my attitude. I wake up every morning and say my prayers. I haven't done this consistently since college. I choose one song to listen to every morning, make and eat breakfast (another thing I never do) and then Gemma and I write down a list of activities we want to do that day. It is helpful to make a routine. we feel the peace and calm a little bit more. Don't get me wrong, I still have my moments of panic and fear, I still have a box of thin mints to binge eat in my closet, and I still have nights when I just get into bed and cry...but it is getting better. 

I look at my sweet seven month old baby boy who smiles at me and kisses me with a gusto no one has ever kissed me with before and think wow the world is so lucky to have you, The world needs you and your loving kind happy spirit. That little boy makes me so happy and brings our whole house joy. When I see my busy smart Gemma working on her daily cards I am overcome with her goodness and her need to do. She will not sit on the couch and wallow with me and eat...she needs to do. I LOVE this about her. It is exhausting as all get out and I am considering building a climbing wall in my house complete with a harness...but Gemma will never sit still and let life pass her by. She will always be someone doing something about whatever problem she is faced with. The world needs her to. I see my sister n law going to work as a nurse everyday in California while my brother is deployed. She is brave and funny and tells it like it is. My best friends M and L are also nurses and lab techs risking their health for humanity. They get up and go and do. I am sure you all saw the USNS Comfort Medical Ship sail into New York this week. My forever friend L worked as a nurse on that ship...I know the good those nurses and doctors and soldiers do. I have seen my mom and her friends sew and create for others, my sisters buy groceries and run errands for other people, and musicians and artists entertain and delight for free. My colleagues at school were busy during spring break putting together school work, treats, books, zoom meetings, and virtual field trips for their kids. Teachers amaze me. Gemma's ballet teacher has turned her entire studio virtual so that her dancers can have one part of their routine remain the same. I am in awe of the good and the beautiful. The world is full of helpers. If people are reusing a mask to save lives, and sewing and creating and giving...then I can make my home peaceful and stop wallowing and find the silver lining in this.

It is easy to feel bogged down in the news and the bad...the goal is to switch focus and find the hope and the beautiful. Some days are easier than others. That is ok! Those thin mints will be there waiting for the days you just need to break down...but then get up and go make your 600th snack of the day and dance it out with your kids. That is what I intend to do. Maybe I will even try a sit up or two, stop sleeping in, learn a new song on the cello, read another book to gg, snuggle Hanx, help Joe with a project, and go to sleep feeling the peace and knowing I did all I could do.

xoxo

co

Because I work better when I write things down here is my list of activities in case you need an idea!

Write happy messages and doodles with chalk outside

Go for a drive and blast familiar music

Try a new recipe

paint everyone's nails

Clean one closet at a time

sit down and play barbies with your daughter

start a journal

play hopscotch

binge the podcast Harry Potter and the Sacred Text

Learn a new song on the piano

organize a neighborhood teddy bear hunt or easter egg hunt

get out your old tap shoes and learn a tap dance on youtube

start a big house project. 

study a talk or scriptures

find a trail you haven't hiked before and go

learn to draw something

work on your handwriting

take pictures of your kids

yoga

try some positive affirmations

call your mom

write on your freaking blog that you love but never write on anymore

find some horses to feed

rescue a dog

Eat something you never let yourself eat

make a schedule

color

pet your dog

take a long bath

Tantrums: Not Just for Three Year Olds

When was the last time you threw yourself on your couch and sobbed hysterically? Perhaps you cannot think of a time because you don't have memories of being two or three. Well, the last time I flung myself onto a couch and sobbed hysterically was today. Gut wrenching, makeup sabotaging, freak out the dogs kind of crying. Gemma came running out of her room assuming I was injured in some way. Sweet little soul that she is brought me Kleenex and a band aid. She was really confused why my tears were black. The reason for my tantrum? My dog. You see, I was vacuuming my house when I casually look out my window and see this:

That right there is my beloved lab, Sookie, standing in the fish pond. The dirty, stinky, full of algae and fish pond! Yesterday I gave my 140ish pound pitty a bath because he's allergic to the grass and desperately needed a scrub down. By the end of his bath I was so so tired and worn out I decided Sookie could wait another few days before her bath. So seeing her, standing there for a good ten minutes felt like she was purposefully taunting me. 

"Ha ha ha Mom! You thought you were in the clear today at 4:30. Sucker! should have just given me a bath yesterday Woman! I WILL NOT BE IGNORED!"

In case you forgot or did not know I am twenty seven weeks pregnant. Around 3:30 pm I can no longer stand up straight, I am exhausted and the fact that I am unmedicated becomes clear to family, friends, and other drivers who cross my path.  So really, the only thing that made sense to my poor pregnant worn out brain was to cry. Hard. So I did and it felt good. 

After I had thoroughly worried my three year old I did what Mom's do. I got up, bathed the stupid dog, and ate some chocolate. 

Lets talk about being pregnant for a second. You know those women who joyfully declare their love of being pregnant? Uhm can I have what she's having or can someone just give me a good wink wink after. Because I do not feel that way. I am aware that I do not have difficult pregnancies. I'm not on bed rest, or force feeding myself broth and ice cubes...quite the opposite as I can't seem to stop eating. I still don't like it. I really, really do not like being pregnant. I don't feel glowy, or goddess like, or special. In fact everyone and their dog seems to be pregnant right now posting beautiful glowy pictures on Instagram in bikinis and I look in the mirror and see this:

Minus the blue because I do actually have very clear great skin right now. My hair on the other hand is a different story. We are praying now that some of it comes back. Don't get me wrong. I am so grateful that my body can do this. I can make and grow my family. My heart breaks for friends and family struggling with infertility...I am in no way trying to belittle that struggle with my complaints of discomfort. But damn I am uncomfortable. I feel huge, nothing fits, my back hurts my legs hurt my arms hurt and my anxiety is here to stay because my anxiety drugs aren't super great for my baby. Every time I talk to my Dad on the phone he asks me why I am running....nope dad I am still not a runner I just walker from one end of my house to the other.  My family all deserve purple heart medals for loving me and surviving me the last six months. Bless you.

Joe really gets the brunt of all my feelings. I have a lot of them and you never really know what you are gonna get. It is super fun. I am the Bertie Botts of every flavor emotion. On Wednesday he left for a work trip and I tried really hard to hide the fact that I was puking and sneezing and crying so that he could feel ok with leaving. I to deserve a medal...or new shoes. He has been gone so much lately. Usually I handle his trips with grace and loveliness. After all it means a few nights of falling asleep to Harry Potter audio books, throwing away stuff and redecorating. However, since being pregnant I am incredibly needy. I need to be snuggled and hugged and reassured eight million times a day. We are both looking forward for THIS particular side effect of pregnancy to disappear.

Alright now for some positivity because my Mom always says what you tell your brain to believe it will so here we go. I am already head over heels in love with this baby. I knew he was meant to be before he was even conceived. I knew I was having a boy next. He has had a tentative name for over a year. Naming babies and thinking about babies in not in my nature so I knew this baby was going to be special. He and I seem very in tune with each other. When I laugh he kicks, When I worry I feel slight pressure, When I am jamming to some Metal he goes nuts. He is mine and I cannot wait to hold him and see his little baby face. This pregnancy is speeding by. He will be here in no time. Then I will have TWO kids. Not kid....but kids!

My sweet angel baby Gemma is so excited for her baby brother to get here. She tells me everyday that she is going to be the best big sister ever. I have no doubt about this. In spite of her opinions and strong will she is so loving and tender. Today I let her go to Target and choose and outfit for baby and she thought this was pretty great. We are ready for Baby to get here.

So despite the raging heart burn, and sore everything, our life over here with the Lobsters is beautiful and ideal. I would not change anything about it except my dog swimming in the pond two hours before my violin and piano lessons start. I am embracing my tantrum and applauding myself for getting up and dealing with it instead of locking her outside till Joe gets home. This too shall pass and one day I will look back and miss all of it.

I think it is ok to let go and sob like no one is watching every once in a while as long as you get up, Calm the Crap Down, dance it out, and eat a few Oreos.

I Ate All The Neighbor Gifts

I never participate in the neighbor Christmas gift exchange...mostly because I never get my act together to make them, assemble them, and deliver them. The same goes for Christmas cards. This year I decided to buckle down and get them made. My Brainiac sister told me what she was doing so I copied her! I love it when that happens. So I assembled the nativity story and tied it together with a beautiful ornament and made homemade toffee to accompany the paper and piece of metal cause lets be honest...it is all about the treat. So I made three batches of homemade toffee. The bagging and ribbon tying process went something like this....

"A piece for the bag, and a piece for my mouth! A piece for the bag and two pieces for my mouth!"

I ate most of the neighbor candy but I managed to bag several for others. Well it has been a week and that toffee is still in my fridge. Kind of. You see as the days go on I find myself at the refrigerator carefully untying one bag and taking a small "nobody will miss this" piece and then replacing the bag. The next day I will choose a different bag to snack from until, alas, I HAVE EATEN ALL THE NEIGHBOR CANDY! If I look like I have gained weight you know why. So next year I will spare myself by Grinching it up and partaking of my neighbors delicious treats that THEY bring me...and not making treats for the neighbors because I need new jeans now....which I could have purchased with the money I used to buy butter...in bulk.  I told my dad this today and he laughed which made me laugh. When we were done laughing he said "you're kidding right?"

"Nope. And I'm all yours dad!"

Anyone else miss being a teenager at Christmas time? Or a kid? I do. My mom made Christmas so magical. So much baking and the house was beautiful and the stockings were legendary.  One year my dad stood on a ladder in the back of his truck to put Christmas lights on the house. Mom and I sat on the stairs ready to call 911 in case he fell. Now as the mom it is my job to provide the magic. However, I don't remember ever thinking my parents seemed tired at Christmas time or worn out...I'm assuming they were because I am so tired and worn out that I don't think I will make it to my bed. I will stay here under the Christmas tree in the fetal position. I was expressing these feelings of inadequacy and exhaustion...ok I was whining...to a dear friend last night. I asked her why she loves Christmas so much? Isn't she tired of the consumerism and the shopping and the cleaning and the baking? She laughed and her eyes actually twinkled as she said
"Oh its all worth it to watch my kids open their presents Christmas morning, and it is all worth it because Christmas brings out the best side of people, and it is all so so magical". This friend and I Marco Polo once in a while and I love listening to them in the car. A) her voice is happy and soothing B) she keeps it real C) it is like listening to a personalized podcast. So today I decided to keep what she said in mind. Notice the good, feel the Christmas spirit, play the obnoxious Christmas music, make the cookies, and wrap the presents all with the end goal being to bring the magic. It worked! I got to talk to Gemma about the meaning of Christmas and about the nativity in a way that she understood and listened too. We made cookies together and danced hard to Christmas Music. I felt it today. I felt that Christmas magic...and not just because I am two sizes bigger and take up more room, but because I did regular things with a different attitude. I think Gemma had a good day. She stayed up late so we could read all the books and talk. I feel incredibly blessed to have her spirit in my home.

Another wonderful inspiring friend I have has been meeting her children's school bus everyday for the past 15 days as a live elf on the shelf frozen in hilarious scenes. Emily the elf was at the spa, kissing booth, helping Santa with his list, on a beach, eating spaghetti with Buddy the Elf and many many more. Today was the last day. She asked her friends to come dressed as angels to help meet the bus for the final scene which was a nativity scene. Gemma and I got to participate and it was an incredible experience. On past days when the bus pulls up the kids throw down their windows and laugh and shout and point. Today they put their windows down and silently witnessed Santa Clause holding a beautiful baby while Mary, Joseph, angels, Shepherds, and wise men watched. On the way home Gemma asked why we were angels. I told her that when Jesus was born the angels in heaven were so excited they sang and told the shepherds to go find him in the stable and worship him. She replied "You and me were angles when Jesus was born and we sing REJOICE!" I share this so I don't forget it. It was a very tender moment I got to share with my sweet little girl who is so perceptive.

So cheers to you! Merry Christmas. Remember to keep the magic. Be kinder, let the car with his blinker light on over!, dance, and DON"T eat all the neighbor gifts.
C

God Lives In Hawaii

When Joe told me he would be out of town for our anniversary my heart dropped a little bit. I plastered on my supportive wife smile and told him it would be fine and we could celebrate when he got home. However he had something different in mind. Joe explained he would be going to Hawaii and that I was coming along. The next three weeks waiting for this trip felt like eternity. I had never been before and could not wait to get lay out in the warm sand and relax for a few days. Our short get away meant so much more to me than just a good tan.

We arrived in Waikiki late Thursday night. After strolling the beach we had a late dinner and listened to the waves crash. It felt so nice to have a slow dinner. After a few hours of sitting on the dark beach I started to feel something different. The anxiety was gone, the self doubt was gone, I felt that peace thing people talk about.

The next day Poor Joe had to work but lucky me explored Waikiki a bit but mostly laid on the beach and people watched...and bought myself an extravagant pineapple drink. But you know what? Hawaii me did not care because I knew it would make me so happy. Throw your credit card around like you just don't care! Sometimes money can buy happiness. So, I decided not to care that it was an obscene price to pay for a pineapple and just buy the damn thing so that I could fully embrace my inner tourist. So there I sat with my large fruity drink, floppy hat, and selfie stick completely  content.

I cannot tell you the last time I sat somewhere all alone completely unplugged. I really like to have music going, or a book, or TV at all time because it allows my brain to focus on something else instead of my own thoughts. That sounds dark and a tad confusing but it's what I have always done. For as long as I can remember I have had noise in the background while I did homework or cleaned or fell asleep so that My brain wouldn't wander down "anxiety paths". In Hawaii I sat on that beach with nothing but the waves and felt so calm and happy. Once I realized it had been four hours and I should probably eat or drink (you know...basic human maintenance stuff) I was shocked that I was able to sit that long completely happy. I found myself striking up casual conversations with strangers, playing in the ocean alone and happy, dancing along the street cause why not without a care or thought in the world. I have NEVER felt that free. As Joe and I watched the sunset...the sun was streaming through clouds in such a heavenly way...I thought,
"This is Where God Lives"
Next thing I know I am crying on the beach. My sweet husband thinks I'm adorable...I hope. In all seriousness though I was ready to build a hut and set up base camp right there on the beach because I had never felt like this before in my adult life.
The Next morning we had lunch over looking the ocean. Why can't we have Pog outside of Utah? I will be figuring out how to make it. It was suppose to be a rainy day and I was worried my last day in Hawaii would be spent outside but as we drove to the mermaid caves the sun came out and we enjoyed a few more hours on the beach and exploring the Mermaid cave. Joe planned horse riding on turtle beach for the afternoon. If you ever get the opportunity to do this I highly recommend it. It was a blast to go through the jungle of turtle island as well as the beach. The woman leading our trail ride told us she was from Colorado but visited Hawaii every year on vacation. After one trip she realized she was miserable in Colorado and that she was happy in Hawaii so she packed up her life and moved to Hawaii. I love stories like that...people who recognize what they want and where they feel happy and make it happen.
We finished the day on sunset beach. It was the perfect ending to our trip. We caught the red eye home to freezing Utah. It was an unforgettable trip. I cannot wait to go back.

Yoga Pants and Heels

I am about a month into this teaching gig and let me tell you it is the best thing I could have said yes to this year. Am I good at it yet?...nope! Does it still scare me? oh yeah baby and that is the best part! I have always been a lover of change and risk. Sometimes this is a strength while other times this is a weakness. In this case my risk loving heart did the right thing by saying yes to teaching orchestra.

Let me tell you about my week because this week has been my favorite so far! My beginning orchestra has now learned how to hold their instruments the right way and their notes! They are fast enthusiastic learners and I love seeing them twice a week. So on Tuesday I pulled out twinkle twinkle little star and taught them how to pluck it out on their violins and it was the most beautiful thing I have ever witnessed to see their faces after they all played together. It was genuinely difficult not to cry and jump up and down. I am incredibly proud of them. To make things even better I had my advanced orchestra sight read Vivaldi's autumn because I am trying to send all good juju into the universe to bring forth Autumn as quickly as possible. After we practiced in sections we put it together and it was breath taking. Not because it was perfect but because they played it together and it was glorious. I am so tempted to take them outside tomorrow and play it into the open air. I think it would make the wind a little more blustery. I am disorganized and sometimes overwhelmed but then they play together and it is the best feeling. I totally understand the love of teaching now. I understand the coke and candy stashes too. I love waking up twice a week and getting ready because I have a place to go and something important to do. Being a stay at home mom has been so hard for me and this job is the perfect balance of yoga pants and heels. I think I will look back and declare it my happiest time of life....so far.

Gemma is thriving at school. The uniform really makes it for me...she could not be cuter. She has the most amazing teachers who love her and think she's as funny as I do. I can't believe how much she has learned already. She is writing and learning up a storm. Other news on g is her ABBA obsession. It started in the spring when Joe bought her a dancing queen music box. She can now sing Waterloo, honey honey, andante, and her favorite...when I kissed the teacher. She's got the dance moves and everything. We decided to take her to see Mamma Mia 2 and it was a great decision. She sang and danced throughout the theater for the whole movie. Luckily the people around us thought she was darling and not obnoxious. She lights up our life. Three years old is my favorite age right now.  The things that come out of her mouth kill me. Yesterday Joe took her to see a movie so I could go to young women's. She came into my room and said:

"Mom, daddy is taking me on a date so I marry him now. Not your date mom...my date and my husband".

She takes sassy to a new level and I might encourage it. She's kind and considerate as well so I figure it all balances out. G did give me a scare a few weeks ago. I decided to take her on a hike. As we were headed back down she fell. I gave her a big squeeze and when she let go of me she had a seizure! We rushed back down the mountain and headed to the Children's Hospital. Apparently if kids fall hard enough, hit their heads, or get the wind knocked out of them they can have a seizure. It has been three weeks and she hasn't had another one so I am feeling less anxious about it. I have stopped sleeping on an air mattress by her bed so life is good. There is nothing in this world scarier than holding your baby and watching them seize being able to do absolutely nothing. my heart really empathizes with the mother's who deal with that on the daily. 

Joe has been traveling a lot lately and in his spare time we have been doing some big projects around the house. Doesn't sound super romantic but we love working together on the house. Maybe someday soon I'll get an actual date but for now late nights building shelves and laying bricks are pretty great. My life could be falling apart but I would be ok as long as I had Joe around. He makes our life fun and happy no matter what else is going on.

I would hate to jinx it but I am feeling so grateful for the cohesiveness of my life right now. Everyone is healthy, happy, and my candy cupboard is stocked...life is good. Speaking of my candy cupboard though...my mom was here for three weeks and helped me reorganize my kitchen. Get yoself a mama who comes over and cleans and organizes your life with you! She teaches me so much every time she visits. It has been a week since she left and I still enjoy opening all my kitchen cabinets just to look at it. My kitchen  is an OCD heaven. There are bins and extra space and everything has a home. I highly recommend trying it. All you do is take one cupboard at a time, empty it out onto the floor or counter, scrub the shelves and then look at each thing and decide if you need it or if you have used it within the last year. If so put it back if not throw it away. Want to know how many bags I threw away?...6! SIX glorious bags of clutter. It is funny what we hold onto. I am not much of a hoarder and tend to toss instead of store but I save the weirdest things. Such as college notebooks, high school handouts from history class (because heart eyes and I'm pretty sure I am a history major trapped in my English major body), boxes, museum brochures, concert tickets....weird stuff that is mostly garbage but every year new things become more important and the old seems easier and easier to let go. It is a beautiful part of growing up. 

Growing up! I am not seventeen. I still sometimes picture myself as seventeen and then have a shocking reality check that I'm a married lady with a baby and a mortgage. I wonder if that shock ever goes away. I have started to develop fine lines around my eyes. I blame Arizona and my abhorrence of sunblock but there they are. They really bother me. I mentioned this to my mom and she said 

"oh Collett don't even start. You are a 20 something year old! fine lines my foot."

See...you need my mom in your life. She reminded me of that quote by Marjorie Hinckley

I guess this includes my "fine lines". I am all about embracing and accepting right now and let me tell you...life is happier when you recognize that everyone is battling something including yourself so let everyone have a little room. 

xoxo

c

P.S. if you are in need of something fabulous to drink my latest obsession is:

coke zero

a splash of coconut coffee creamer

on the rocks

try it!

You're the Cutest and the Smartest

I love school. I think I planned on staying at BYU forever. Gemma put a stop to that but I enjoyed my experience for as long as I possibly could. When school supplies hit the store shelves I get actual goosebumps. No one gets more excited over new pencils than I do. Last year I spent quite a bit of money on school supplies for no reason other than the fact that they made me happy. Every fall since graduating has felt less exciting without back to school shopping. So I did something about it.

Tomorrow G and I are going to school! Gemma will be attending pre-school at American Heritage of South Jordan and I will be the new Orchestra teacher! We are both so excited. Gemma has been talking about going to school since May. ***note to self: never tell Gemma about an upcoming event until the night before.*** I have been preparing lesson plans and collecting ideas for a few months. I have been studying conductors and musicians and after all this prep work I have come to the conclusion that I got this and will learn as I go if I don't.  My middle school orchestra teacher, Mrs.Willaims said

 "Fake it till you make it! Smile! This is suppose to be fun!"

I love this and say it often, even now years later. I had my dear friend make me a sign that says fake it till you make it for my classroom. Mrs Willaims taught us to respect each other, respect the piece, and respect the art. I loved her. As her seventh grade student you just knew that by the time you were in ninth grade you would be able to play in an orchestra and it would sound good. She was inspiring, and happy, and good. I want to be that kind of Orchestra teacher. I went to Arizona this summer and she made time to see me and help me. She looks the same and sounds the same. She makes her students feel talented and loved. I will be channeling Mrs. Williams vibes this year. If I resemble her in the smallest way as a teacher then I will consider myself a successful orchestra teacher.

Middle school and high school are demanding in many regards. Orchestra always felt like home base. I knew what to do, I could do it, and the same kids were next to me year after year (cheers to Cozette my favorite stand partner). In high school especially I relied on my orchestra family.

High school gave me Dr. Temme. He made orchestra so much fun. Whether he was dangling over the stage for Mission Impossible or staggering around the audience dressed like a drunk pirate from Pirates of the Caribbean or dressed in a tux pleading with us to do better, try harder, and taking us to every festival he could, he was consistently passionate. I could rely on him to be honest and helpful. His classroom was always open to hide in, to play in, or eat lunch in. Temme told us to put on our ugly black concert dresses and get lost in the performance. He was magnificent. Thank goodness I stuck with the violin long enough to experience his class.

I never wanted to be a teacher. My mom told me for years that I would be a great English Teacher and I blew it off. However, after a week of teacher prep surrounded by teachers 800 times more experienced than I am...I caught the buzz. My definition of "teacher" took on a different meaning. I am a part-time orchestra teacher and I felt swamped this week with preparation...you should see some of these teacher's classrooms, and handouts, and prep. Their passion for being teachers is palpable. I am once again saying you were right mom...I wish I was rubbing shoulders with these people everyday in a larger capacity. I would be so lucky to be an English teacher at American Heritage! How lucky I am to be participating in the role of Orchestra teacher. I hope I can provide all the skills and safety my orchestra teachers provided me with.

My mom just texted me "good luck tomorrow! You're the cutest and the smartest" which is what she told me everyday before school. So now that the magic words have been said that guarantee a good day, I know I am as ready as I can be.  Feeling all the anticipation a kid can feel before the first day of school. The bouquets of pencils are sharpened, backpacks are packed, and prayers are said. I cannot wait for this new experience. All that's left is to rock this!

I'm Still a Mia Maid

I haven't blogged in a while. I have felt uninspired in my writing, but today was just too good not to share. I will write a catch up of our lives later.

I grew up in a ward with a bunch of active girls. In fact if you were going to pick one of us  who went to activities least, it was me. I didn't think making cookies for someone or writing letters to missionaries or playing games was worth my time...especially when the boys were boating or hiking Havasupai. Wednesday night mutual was not my thing. However I loved the class on Sunday and I really really loved my leaders. Pretty sure I gave some of them a hard time about the cookie thing and for that I am truly sorry...kind of. So as a baby laurel I thought how wonderful it would be to run the show. To be an adult and get the coveted church calling of Young women's leader. Not going to lie I waited a long time for it to come anxiously waiting my turn. In November last year I got it. I got the prime spot as Mia Maid leader. No one has ever been more excited for a calling than I was on that day. Immediately I started planning class activities. The list looked like this:

Car maintenance night
Career aptitude testing
Book club
Murder Mystery party
How to night (write a check, use an ATM, fill out a job application etc.)
Art museums
cultural education night
save all the refugee night
Short story writing contest
Study the constitution and learn about Abagail Adams
Epic Galentines day party
Never ever Make cookies...…

You get my drift? In my head I was going to plan all the activities I had wanted to do as a youth. I understand that my list is unusual. But as a newbie to the Young women's leader club I figured this was completely plausible and that my Mia Maids were going to be so cultured and well rounded by the time I was through with them.

The best part of the calling is the other leaders. I have 6 new best friends that I'm pretty much in constant communication with....because I want to be. They all offer something different and good. I can honestly say I love them all. My pro list for this calling is miles long. I adore my girls. Not just the mia maids...all of them! I think about them, I love them, I pray for them, I care about every aspect of their lives....they probably think i'm obnoxious! They think dance parties are fun...they are interesting and smart and battle real life problems and deal with things I never did. I admire them so much.

The con is not being able to give them pinterest perfect activities and parties every single week. The con is the weight gain from trying to keep up with all the junk food they eat, and its feeling like I come up short and not doing good enough. Forget mom guilt cause this leader guilt is pretty heavy too. ok ok ok mom guilt wins but still. I couldn't go to girls camp. It was so hard not to be with them! I didn't think I cared that they were there and I wasn't until the week of! I called my mom in absolute breakdown mode about not fulfilling my calling and not supporting them bla bla bla. Lucky for me my mom can put out a melt down in under three minutes by saying

"You do the best you can. You juggle many hats and you are doing great ."

 I'm learning how to be frugal, how to make things meaningful, how to listen, how to embrace simple, and how to fulfill their list of activities and not mine.

But enough preamble because lets talk about tonight.

Tonight we had a recognition night for the girls who have completed their personal progress. THIS IS A BIG DEAL! Completing that program is difficult and time consuming and stretches you emotionally. It deserves a beautiful night.
That is exactly what tonight was.

Sundays usually leave me feeling uplifted and renewed. Today in particular was like that. Church was amazing. The classes and meetings I attended were Mormon message ideal. I came home from church ready to be better. Read my scriptures more, pray smarter, be kinder and more forgiving, increase my patience with Gemma....I wasn't feeling guilty...just renewed. Then Joe left for a trip immediately after church. I knew I would need to conquer the rest of the day on my own wearing the mom hat and the Young women's leader hat simultaneously.  Some of the girls came over to help me prepare food for this evenings recognition night and it was so fun. I love listening to them talk and tell me about their lives. When they left Gemma decided to take off all her clothes and her hair and paint.....we needed to be at the church in 20 minutes to set up the decorations with the rest of the leaders. At this point my PMS kicks in high gear i.e. hot flashes, tears irritability and the desperate need for a soft pretzel and a salad and cramps that are radiating my knee caps. But I usher her into her clothes and into the car. Once at the church Gemma wont stop touching me. Climbing on me. Yelling at me....Granted poor baby has had zero attention and in the back of my head I know this but I'm not that nice or patient to her as I try to be of some help. When we get home I make her lazy mom dinner, and begin making hot fudge for part of the dessert when I realize I don't have a key ingredient. Once again I am ushering her back to the car in one hundred degrees to go track down this ingredient. It took a while and by the time we got home we were both cranky and sweaty. I put her in front of the TV (again) So I can get the fudge made, reapply makeup as I have now sweat it all off and I need to cover up the acne that really should not happen in one's LATE TWENTIES!, change clothes, and load up the car. Loading up the car meant three cheese cakes a pan of chocolate dipped strawberries, three cake stands, jars of sauce, two water jugs, and Gemma.

The giant Costco box I packed the cakes in doesn't fit anywhere and I wedge it in my car wrong. Yanking pulling and begging the cake to get in the damn car I fit it in my front seat. Next I stupidly take all three beautiful white cake stands to the car when my sweet little toddler whams into me at full force wanting to play and I drop one. My favorite one. As I hear it touch ground and watch it shatter into eight million pieces I dramatically scream in, I swear, slow motion
"NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"
I stand there open mouthed for what feels like eternity. Sweat is running down my back, my face, my bra.....all the places. Gemma is crying, I am crying, My dog is running down the street and I need to be at the church in three minutes. Miraculously Sookie comes bounding back home, sensing my distress and goes inside, I hand Gemma an otterpop and we get in the car. I am determined to make this night perfect and I will not let PMS win and I will NOT LET MY HAPPY RENEWED MOOD BE RUINED DAMNIT!

The next hour goes down without a hitch. G and I stay in the kitchen and serve the cheese cake onto plates so it will be ready to go, I chug a liter of DR. Pepper and down a handful of midol and we carry on! We even got to sit in the meeting and listen for a few minutes. The girls each took a few minutes to say why they loved personal progress and what it meant for them. The feels return and Gemma hugs me tight and whispers
"I love you Mom"
So all is right in the world.
We serve dessert, people are mingling, and talking and smiling. G has found some other kids to play with so I sit down and congratulate myself on a day well managed. See, I can do it all. ..the night was an absolute success.

Oh sweet little naive Young women's leader...you aint done yet!

I hear a blood curdling scream from somewhere is the church building. I know it is Gemma. I recognize that scream. My hairs stand on end and I bolt to find her. She has been playing with some of the kids in the cultural hall and has decided to try jumping dare I say flying off the stage. It didn't go well. She isn't seriously hurt but her pride is. She is embarrassed and rattled. I scoop her up in my arms and her cries turn into hyperventilation. She then pees all over me and I know my number is up. Leaving my two remaining cake stands, and other gear behind I rush us to the car where we both just hold each other and cry. Gemma sobs
"Mom I broke my body! I call daddy!"
Sounds like a good idea to me so I facetime joe. I smile at him and tell him we flopped hard. We tried but we flopped and are headed home to lick our wounds and eat gelato in the tub. He says all the things nice supporting traveling husbands can say and we head home.

Nothing a bath and bed won't fix. As I am rushing around trying to get g happy and in bed. I feel so guilty for leaving, for missing most of the actual recognition night, for not helping to clean up, for being in a bad mood at the event, for dragging my three year old to recognition night and staying till meltdown hour (9:00 pm), for feeding her bad dinner.....But. I did the best I could. Feeling low and unsuccessful I am just about to tuck G in bed when the doorbell rings. It is the President of our Young women's returning my things. She is beaming and so excited and happy about how the evening played out. So many people came, the room was beautiful, the speakers knocked it out of the park....and that made all the difference. All the negativity I had been feeling subsided. Instead I'm feeling successful as I sweep up the shattered remains of my favorite Cake stand from my wedding off my driveway content and happy as can be. It was a special night for the girls and that was the point. G will sleep well and I'll feed her oatmeal in the morning, cake stands are replaceable, Baths will be had and in the end it was all worth it.

It's comical. I find it comical. My idea of what this calling would be is not reality.  Being a Young Women's leader is not beautiful invitations and parties, it's not throwing life altering class activities, or killer handouts for each lesson, or spending tons of money...it's teaching them how to gain a testimony, reach goals, learn about the savior, and support them. Its giving them your honesty, stories, love, and talents. Man...I love every second of this. I keep thinking about some of my favorite Young Women's leaders. Now I know they thought about me and prayed for me and gave all they could for me and I can't wait to hug them extra when I am in Arizona next week.

All of me is exhausted and worn out after a busy week and busy day. Every inch of my house needs to be picked up and cleaned. But all my hats are heavy and gelato is calling my name. I did the best I could and the collective outcome between all seven leaders was amazing. That's the point right?!

xoxo
c